BEAM Days - 6 to -1

BEAM Conditioning

BEAM is heavy-duty conditioning chemo. “Conditioning” being the prep work for re-introducing the previously harvested and cryo-stored Baby Stem Cells (the grown-up name is PBSCs, but “Baby Stem Cells” feels right).

The whole point is to get the body ready for their return. It’s given (mostly) as an inpatient over six days before transplant, which is why you’ll hear the daily countdown: D-6, D-5, all the way to Day 0 — transplant day.

I’m writing this on Day 0. As that feels pretty momentous, it probably deserves its own chapter — but here’s the run-up.

The Reality So Far

Honestly? Mundane. I dislike hospital stays. The staff are beyond brilliant, the facilities surprisingly good… but the food? Properly shite. The boredom is off the charts.

I can’t concentrate on anything — a running theme throughout treatment — so “distractions” don’t actually distract. I flit between social media, tapping away at this blog, chatting to any poor sod foolish enough to make eye contact, TV (which lately has been dominated by the Queen’s funeral), trying to eat (or not, more on that later), and attempting sleep — largely futile.

Kerry’s visits are the highlight. She’s come every day, sometimes twice, armed with fresh clothes, contraband treats, and the kind of comfort no hospital menu can provide.

Food, Steroids and Weight

Eating has been a rollercoaster. One day I fasted for 24 hours without batting an eyelid. The next, I ate like I hadn’t seen food in weeks. Steroids are partly to blame. This round it’s Dexamethasone (D-1 to D+2) instead of Prednisolone. Dex is technically stronger, but the side-effects are different for me. If it were a fair fight — both equally effective — I’d take Dex over that bloody Pred every time.

Since starting chemo, I’ve gained ~13 kg (29 lbs) — the heaviest I’ve ever been. The advice was clear: remission first, weight later. Fair enough, though I might have taken it as licence to eat and drink less than sensibly. C’est la vie. It’ll give me something to tackle during recovery. No doubt I’ll set myself some ludicrous Christmas fitness goal. “Shoot for the stars and you might just clear the moon” — is that corporate bollocks or good self-coaching? Jury’s out. 🧐

The Drugs Themselves

B (BiCNU/Carmustine), E (Etoposide), A (Ara-C/Cytarabine) and M (Melphalan) have been… unremarkable so far. Melphalan is the infamous one, known for gifting you a mouthful of ulcers. Hence my stockpile of sugar-free ice poles, devoured during and after infusion. Cold therapy plus brutal dental hygiene — including a bi-carb mouthwash that tastes like death — are the frontline defence.

I know from experience the real side-effects may show up later, so I’m cautiously optimistic rather than complacent. Fingers firmly crossed for an “easier” passage.

Today: Day 0

Right now, I’m waiting for pre-meds and then the Baby Stem Cells themselves. I feel emotional. It’s been a long, hard slog.

People often say, “I have cancer, but it doesn’t have me.” I like that phrase, but truthfully? Cancer does have me. It’s gripped and consumed me. And yet… maybe that’s what’s required. With Kerry, a hugely supportive workplace, brilliant friends, and the need to focus on survival, I’ve let myself be consumed. It takes focus, patience, nerves of steel — none of which I’m exactly famous for.

So yes, emotional. Amazed at the process, humbled by the care, astonished by the science, and aware this is a genuine milestone. Recovery starts tomorrow: about two more weeks in hospital, then home recovery for the rest of the year. Work will creep back in around late October — gently at first, mostly from home, maybe a day or two in the office later on.

Closing Thoughts

So, the purpose of the last paragraph......I am quite emotional.

Emotions like amazement at the process, humility at the care I am having, astonishment at the science and a sense that today represents a major milestone. I'll be in proper recovery tomorrow. In hospital for another 14 days, give or take; and then extended recovery at home for the balance of the Calendar Year. I'll ease into working in late Oct and work from home, probably with very rare exceptions until the end of the year, and then perhaps a pattern of 1 to 2, sometimes 3 days per week in the office and the balance at home.

So that's about it. It's about 2hrs to go.

Oh, the idle mind creates much online shopping; beware of parcels turning up unexpectedly. A lovely wee surprise here and there 😂😂😂

Bring on the life-giving Stem Cells 🧫 🧫 🧫 !!!